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=sparkpenguin

is still one of the little guyz
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shortchanged ya on the explanation bit

Wed Oct 6, 2004, 6:59 PM
but i'd rather do most of that another time, if ever. anyhow i defiitely need to update this.

okay i'm not going to say much... except that i am extremely grateful to everyone who showed their support, regretful of those who had no idea, and very very sorry to everyone. i love you all and i'd never want to leave. ever. i almost can't believe i came so close.
i know it can be very gloomy-doomy on my account here, and at times my work is very violent, or full of sorrow, or otherwise negative and self-destructive, but the most wholly important fact that i need stress is that through it all, i wasn't serious. i never put myself and everyone who cared about me at all through the recent hell i've been stuck into, if i'd had any idea; if i'd only known how real and how terrible it is. what happened was left-field and irrational-- for me most of all, and i wish i had a huge significant single event, one understandable reason to justify what i did, but i don't. i'm getting help to find one now, or in the very least learn to realize when the onset of these feelings is taking place and how to deal with them correctly. the insufferable guilt not enough? besides the continual hospitalization and psychiatric detainment i am in INCREDIBLE PAIN 24 HOURS A DAY. trust me, that's been half the lesson in itself.

this has been the best wake up call i've ever gotten. there are some changes ahead.


---
as i lay here
and slowly close my eyes,
i take another deep breath
and feel the wind pass through my body.
i'm the one in your soul
reflecting inner light;
protect the ones who hold you,
cradling your inner child.

tragic visions slowly stole my life;
tore away everything,
leaving me out of my mind.
i'm the one who loves you
no matter wrong or right,
and every day i hold you--
i hold you with my inner child.

i need serenity, in a place where i can hide.
nothing changes, days go by.
where do we go when we just don't know,
and how do we re-light the flame when it's cold?
why do we dream if our thoughts mean nothing,
and when will we learn to control?
10 Comments

Devious Comments

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:iconmelancholydaydream:
~MelancholyDaydream Oct 6, 2004, 12:19:14 PM
:hug:

--
<MelancholyDaydream>i'd put 20 dollars that Misaniovent's done the peanut butter thing with his dog
<Misaniovent>MelancholyDaydream: Dude, fuck no.
<Misaniovent>omgomg
<dedredhed>IVE DONE THAT
<dedredhed>ITS HILARIOUS
:iconcasim:
~casim Oct 7, 2004, 6:23:28 AM
Always there for ya Major!
* #40 salutes*

--
Wriales: "Everyone get ready..."
Casim: "Sorry I'm late everyone-holy shit that's a lot of people! We're screwed!"
Everyone: "God damnit Casim!"
:iconnotedstrangeperson:
~NotedStrangePerson Jun 20, 2009, 12:52:32 PM
So what exactly did ou do to yourself?

--
If violent video games affected children then everyone who played Pacman would just walk around in the dark, eating pills & listening to repetitive music (~ Marcus Brigstock)

:pills: + :pc: = :pacman:
:iconnotedstrangeperson:
~NotedStrangePerson Jun 20, 2009, 12:52:57 PM
*you

--
If violent video games affected children then everyone who played Pacman would just walk around in the dark, eating pills & listening to repetitive music (~ Marcus Brigstock)

:pills: + :pc: = :pacman:
:iconsparkpenguin:
=sparkpenguin Jun 20, 2009, 8:08:45 PM
awwww man i was gonna reply with the link to the photo and say "this" but i forgot i took it down because too many teenybopper emo kids were diggin on it-- in the completely wrong way.

wait a sec--
i'd stored it so here it is for a little while. [link]

i'm actually missing the palmus longus tendon in my left arm. i always said after i'd quit therapy on bad terms that i'd love to rub it in all those shrinks' faces, that not only did i regain full motility of both hands but i make a living working with boxcutters and ten inch knives, and can bench press myself.

i dunno how it is in Europe but here in the states they must like to keep you depressed and coming back for more, because they frowned upon me looking at the incident as a turning point and a miracle-- not a mistake. something about a Phoenix complex doesn't refill prescriptions fast enough on those mindmelting pills they forcefeed the poor saps they tell are powerless.

--
ALL THE COOL KIDS ARE READING IT

Don't expect the best, you won't be disappointed when you take a bite and watch the worm crawl back inside.
:iconnotedstrangeperson:
~NotedStrangePerson Jun 21, 2009, 7:26:28 AM
Ah yes, I remember that photo. Silly girl.

I dunno how it is in Europe either because I'm a Britfag. :P In my neck of England they seem waaay too casual about suicide, or rather pseudo-cide. I know a few who've tried to off themselves unsuccesfful several times.
They don't seem to give a :shithappens:

--
If violent video games affected children then everyone who played Pacman would just walk around in the dark, eating pills & listening to repetitive music (~ Marcus Brigstock)

:pills: + :pc: = :pacman:
:iconsparkpenguin:
=sparkpenguin Jun 21, 2009, 11:52:17 PM
well it's really not hard to be successful.

"people who wanna kill themselves get a gun and shoot themselves, they don't call up their boyfriend and say 'i just took twenty Nebutol, come help me'"

i can't explain why i failed. but in a sea of people who begin eating a jar of pills ten minutes before they know their spouse/parent is going to walk through the door who swear theirs wasn't "a passive attempt" or "a cry for help" because they wish they had the balls, few people really appreciate how dead i should be right now. it seems our societies view the subject the same way.

details only because i didn't provide any in the journal OR the photo, i lost five pints of blood (i'll estimate around three liters?) while i "slept" for four hours and then fractured my skull in the shower after my mom tried to wake me up and throw me in there thinking it was just dramatics. i mean shower + drunk is bad enough but + half-empty on top of that... just got ridiculous. and that's not said just to make seem "hardcore" a lot of it was circumstance. it's just a miracle. i guess i'm not proud that i did as i am i survived. i look at it kinda like... someone else tried to murder me and against all odds they failed...?

--
ALL THE COOL KIDS ARE READING IT

Don't expect the best, you won't be disappointed when you take a bite and watch the worm crawl back inside.
:iconnotedstrangeperson:
~NotedStrangePerson Jun 22, 2009, 11:35:08 AM
TL;DR - glad you survived. ;P

--
If violent video games affected children then everyone who played Pacman would just walk around in the dark, eating pills & listening to repetitive music (~ Marcus Brigstock)

:pills: + :pc: = :pacman:
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Jack Valenti, MPAA

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if you were a feline... 

17%
12 deviants said HOUSECAT. suburban sociopath; you're playfully cuddly and supportive (and a little vain and proper ) that is, until you go outside for the night.
17%
12 deviants said SIBERIAN TIGER. the frigid loner; silently shamble your stocky frame up snowy hillsides only to issue your sudden, ferocious takedowns. eat by yourself, shamble elsewhere.
17%
12 deviants said BLACK JAGUAR. chic and mysterious prowler; the lion isn't fooling anybody-- this is your fucking jungle, you sexy enigma of the shadows.
12%
8 deviants said LYNX. the successful sibling; some housecats never really lost their edge. stay feral in style.
10%
7 deviants said LION. king undisputed respected saluted! the baddest/loudest/most bitches. but no offense to you lady lions, because you're obnoxiously terrifying in your own Rosie the Riveter sort of lion way (much more respectable.)
10%
7 deviants said SMILIDON. steampunk of the felines; you cling to ye olde design even though you've been phased out by newer models. but despite your gaudy and antiquated appearance, you're still charmingly lethal.
6%
4 deviants said PUMA. artful dodger; you terrorize farmers for centuries, and after enough of you get shot you go all fetal and claim you're actually several different species in small enough denominations to be considered "endangered." Florida Panther my ass.
6%
4 deviants said HAY GUISE IMA WOLF. :nerd: all the felines bristle and kick you out for being a magick-core dork/Native-core dork/psychobilly dork/Furry dork. you missed out on the fancy hors d'ouerves, so you eat your young. loser.
3%
2 deviants said LEOPARD. hooker; can't you recognize the spots?!
1%
1 deviant said CHEETAH. big pussy; you're like a housecat only with slightly more functionality and taller odds. the gazelles are never much bigger than you are, you never attack people, and you go long periods without a catch. speed is your redemption.
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