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Artist's Comments"JESUS--!!" she whirled around, holding her hat onto her head. With the agitated metal still resonating loudly, the fireman hadn't changed his position at all from closing the gate. His hand was still near enough to gently push it closed after it had bounced stubbornly back toward him. He raised an eyebrow at her. "Sorry. Thought someone should fix that." She sighed as her heart continued functioning normally, attempting a recovery. "It's just-- the latch-- it doesn't close very well, don't worry about it." He popped his eyebrows at her, his straight face not changing otherwise. That fucking dick. After she turned around, she swore she heard a pen click, too. Ka shook her head as she started walking, trying to stay angry enough to not cry. She imagined hitting Dave with a frying pan, and it did the trick. Ned, too. Walking behind his high-strung quarry, Terry slowed a little, letting her get ahead. Her tense manner had just made him uneasy again; he reached behind himself to discreetly unload his gun. He had thought about it beforehand, and as he watched the Major gain distance from him found a small conflict in whether or not it was a good idea. While this was an opportunity for his camp to gain some leverage against the enemy, that rendered it an incredibly likely moment for their intervention. With the paranoia of such a sabotage in mind, he decided against the change in plans. He'd brought it loaded, and he wouldn't be stupid enough to actually use it outside of a dangerous situation-- or even to use it persuasively, if Ka for any reason refused to comply with him. In any other event, however, it'd be ready if he needed it. He released the handle, running a hand down his face. It wasn't like him to have nerves about something like this. Usually though, he was far more disconnected from his target than he was to Ka. He straightened up a little and stepped quickly to catch up. After a small eternity, Ka reached the double doors into the backroom of Beltrees. It wasn't much brighter, but the air smelled more alive and it was much more open-- cavernous, even; a wonderland of canned goods and soda and cereal and plastic pool toys. It felt familiar and safe to her. She felt uplifted for that short moment before the heavy jingling footsteps of the fire marshal caught up with her. What was he off doing now?? This was supposed to be a guided goddamn tour; she didn't like him going off alone, writing shit down she didn't know about or couldn't defend. At least they'd gotten to the freezer. She stalled at the top of the shallow ramp tunnel down to the giant aluminum door, where a foot of fog gathered in the low space. Hopefully it, along with the darkness, would obscure some of the ice and water deposits around the bad seals. She turned around, motioning downward. "Well, there it is," she intoned. She watched the fireman's expression still fail to change as he eyed the scene with hard-to-place negativity. She fought to keep her mouth shut, but lost. "It's not losing cold or anything-- or it is, I mean there's, heheh... FOG and... but it's the right tem--" Terry put a hand up to silence her, smiling at the irrelevant fear she felt. "S'okay. That's somebody else's job." There was a slight blush in her cheeks as Ka made a sarcastic "phew" gesture. Her features dropped at the last moment as she realized it was probably in bad taste to imply that there was a problem in that area either. He nodded in the direction of the freezer. "Now open it up. Let's have a look inside." Somehow Ka knew he was going to want to go inside the thing, and that she wasn't lucky enough to just have to point to it. She should have stopped to grab her jacket from the grocery office. But that opportunity was past, so she trudged down the rough wet concrete and yanked on the door handle with all of her weight. She wasn't looking forward to spending any time in the quick-freeze wind tunnel while she was dressed to work over a hot stove all night. She was also going to be embarrassed if she had trouble opening it, she thought for a moment as she paused; could have been many hours since anyone had gone in that day. But the strike opened with a loud clank, and with just a little effort it began to pull stickily off of the icy rubber frame, hissing frigid and angry as she swung it back all the way. A wall of fog collapsed out of the entrance, rolling forcefully up the ramp and out across the backroom. "Oh, dammit... " she huffed. Anger also protected her from fear, as behind the straggly strip curtains the huge freezer gaped back at her pitch black and loud and horrible. She hurried across the hellish opening to the lightswitch, flipping it back and forth until the bulbs inside flashed dimly to life. Sleepy and yellow, they barely lit a small radius around each and did little to light the whole cooler. "Some jackass turned these off. You're not supposed to ever turn them off." Terry headed slowly down the ramp toward her. Even just in there, they were plenty out of sight. Inside the unit itself, the blowers howled on full blast. Of course, she might be just as loud if anyone else were unexpectedly near, and he still couldn't account for her other boss who had supposedly been finishing business on this end. He almost didn't notice her talking again as he planned. "It's not a wiring thing or anything--" she quickly covered, "they just get too cold. They'll warm up in ten minutes or so, if you wanna wait..." "No, that's all right..." Terry answered, walking up alongside her. "They're just fine for what I need to see." He turned as something caught his eye nearby, amazingly in the frustrating darkness. He squinted up at the inside of the huge freezer door at the strange outline in the snowy crust. Yeah, it was. Ka chuckled. "Don't worry no one's ever had to use that," she brushed away a layer of frost from a huge red axe mounted on two brackets. There were several large slits in the metal skin of the door through which the insulation poked out, presumably made by mischievious workers. "It does make for a cool conversation piece when someone new comes by." He eyed it nervously, though a little rapt by the oddity of it; the door didn't look old enough to not be engaged from the inside. He'd like to shut it once they were in, but not if it'd strand them there without needing to destroy the door. A waste of time maybe, but oh well. "That is pretty old school..." he muttered into a visible breath. "All right kiddo, let's make this quick." He sauntered into the loud icy cavern, keeping his gaze upward with the faux interest of his masquerade. As he had expected from her warily professional behavior, she hurried past him into the clutter of product. Her attention jerked in every direction as she moved things aside and brushed away loose floor matter with her feet; she wasn't even acknowledging the bitter cold. He certainly felt it, but then he'd felt much worse for much longer. He kept behind, taking slow steps that were hard to judge on the slippery floor littered with fragments of concrete and ice and wood and the occasional frozen vegetable. In the struggling light, he watched her disappear behind a row of pallets and shelves, stacked high to the celing with boxes. He couldn't help a snicker-- they really were high enough to negate the function of fire sprinklers, had there been any present on the useless piping overhead. This Dave was a real shithead. She was probably terribly frightened of the state of the inspection in the back of her mind, and he felt a small amount of pity for her for just a moment. He knew her enough to know things were about to get bad; a lot worse than fire citations. But those kinds of thoughts had to go aside. He passed a break in the forest of stacks that let him see to the back of the freezer. It was huge. He drew his mouth to one side with disapproval, even though like the fate of the door it couldn't be helped. It's not like there was another way out, but that didn't make the situation easier. He caught sight of her about halfway back, looking up at the ceiling like he was, and facing the other direction. Without need for any more secrecy, he deftly stepped up to the door. Ka's heart was already pounding with the anxiety of the perceived situation, preoccupied with the repercussions of an official visit to the arguably dilapidated facility. Just then she heard swift footfalls toward the entrance. Even over the heavy droning of the fan motors, the sound was entirely different and frightening from where she stood, so far away from safety in the dim cold. She told herself she was paranoid. However, she would have felt better to look or call out as well. Before she could do either, a rush of changing air blew her hair and clothes from behind, and the heavy door slammed closed with cruel speed and a weighty metallic thud that shook the walls. -- The screen door opened and closed suddenly, surprising the cluster of employees dining around the prep island in the kitchen's rear. As Toby waved and Dave nodded in the direction, Ned turned around with a bean sprout dangling from his beard to survey the intrusion. He slurped it up just in time to make eye contact with Kim, who grimaced back at him momentarily before addressing everyone. "Yeah, hey folks-- hoo good, I'm starvin'." He laid the folded beer invoice on the counter, hastily grabbing a bowl and stepping up to the stove. "Bit of a close call today but no one's come through the front door yet, right?" He dished himself up. Dave was leaning against the opposite counter, forking with agitation at his soup solids. "You mean you didn't run into our friend over there?" He muttered gruffly. Kim started at his bewildering comment. "Whaddo you mean I thought the store was empty," he asked, rather quickly and absent for his intial reaction. He was focused on the food-- at five, everyone was hungry. "Mmh!" Ned expressed urgency while he swallowed and wiped his chin. "You missed it Kim-- Dave totally threw Kathy to the dogs, it was hilarious." He resumed eating the moment his words ended, but nodded to finish the thought. Turning from Ned back to Dave once more, Kim now looked a little troubled, his voice taking on a whine of concern. "What does that mean, what's going on?" Dave waved the question off and shook his head, waiting to finish a mouthful before speaking. "Will someone stop eating for a second and tell me, I am-- SO confused." Kim put his hands to either side of his head, continuing. "What dogs, Ned, what's funny; did something happen?" "Relax," Dave grunted out the side of his mouth, around a hot radish. "Just the fuckin' Fire department blowin' down doors again. Sent a marshal to shake us up a little," Kim reacted with a small facial twitch mid-sentence. "--pompous-ass was tryina' strongarm me into confessing code violations or bodies in the basement or whatever the fuck they're looking for now." "Isn't Beltrees one big code violation?" Toby noted quietly, though not enough. "Nothing I'm not already on the clock to fix; State wouldn't bother me before deadlines no one wants trouble these days." Toby's faith in what was left of the system took a hit, and from his face it might've ruined his meal. Kim shook his head jerkily as if it would make the facts more clear to him. "wait a sec, a marshal? I thought there was just one, for the state?" "I dunno, is there?" Dave bugged his eyes, his lack of clarity on the subject delivered with sarcasm. "That can't be right then, they wouldn't send someone like that here, I mean they do-- like-- they investigate bombs and arson and whatnot; they arrest people, they don't do little inspections for--" Ned clapped his hands and leaned over with a guffaw. "Holy shit Dave you really did send Kathy into some like, post-government new-order terrorist investigation kinda shit didn't you!" "What the hell-- was he really?" demanded Kim. "Dude, they're gonna take her away!" Ned covered his mouth as he continued laughing hysterically at the absurdity of the situation. Whether or not he believed it to be true seemed to upset his boss. "It's not funny Ned," Kim rebuked, looking back at Dave. "One of us has to go over and handle this, it's not Kathy's job." Toby pointed at himself. "Is he gonna like-- come back for us, and like-- interrogate us on shit too??" "We're all goin to the camp!" Ned proclaimed, wide-armed with a grin. Dave rolled his eyes. "I think everyone is overreacting, just a tad. Toby looked around, hoping to be reassured that that was really the case and there weren't suspected bombs planted throughout the building in some nefarious government cover-up. "The state's just short-handed and the government's outta shape is all, SO PUT... the idea... " Dave paused as he pointed at the boys, "of anything more than a fine coming out of this, out of your heads. Just put it to bed." he gestured widely with his fork, before pausing to eat some more. "No one's hurt, nothing's damaged, he's not here to arrest anybody liable for that sorta thing." "But--" "Look, guys-- this is a big problem, but it's my problem, it's my building. So don't piss me off about it, anymore." Dave went back to his dinner calmly. Kim sighed and put his hands on his hips. For a little while longer there was silence, but he spoke up once more. "Well I'd feel better just going along to make sure everything's all right." "Then knock yourself out," Dave gestured at Kim slowly, not lifting his eyes. Toby knit his brow sadly, poking at his dinner. Ned struck him in the arm to get his attention, and shook his head at him. Joking aside, and while he expected the worst from any authority, there wasn't much threat present. After all, nothing interesting ever happened in their town, ever. He was only sorry to contribute to dismantling the ruse before it had time to become fun. TO BE CONTINUED. editor's notes: this is definitely a bit of a low point in both parts of this presentation. "artwork" (coughs and points at drawing) AT LEAST I ACTUALLY DREW IT THIS TIME. and it's not just a photomanip. XD and writing. well-- i dunno, suspense just doesn't entertain me, i like shit straightforward... so maybe that's why i don't write it well.  next one delivers. thanks for reading. PART ONE [link] PART TWO [link] PART THREE  PART FOUR [link] |
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Comments
Anyway, only issue is that the second scene the points of view can get a little confusing. As a reader, it was somewhat hard to keep track of who everyone ones. But that could just be because it's farther into the story and you're supposed to know who these guys are. I understand that, I do that with my stuff all the time on my account.
Anyway, I like that you didn't go into over detail, a disease many of us writers suffer from. Though, a little more scene describing would be good if only for setting the foundation for how the rest of the freezer scene is going to pan out. I like how Ka is freaking out, it amuses me.
Over all, very nice. See, this is why I like it when you comment on my written stuff. I respect you as a fellow writer. ^^
--
Life is all about timing
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i also introduced a few curious things about that environment that are key to contributing to the om... debacle that becomes this operation.
the conversation at the bottom notes each speaker except two times, which bothered me but i wasn't gonna sweat em too hard: the first was Dave answering Toby where there's no out-of-quote notation. and the second is that lone "but" toward the end of Dave's rant. i couldn't get it to read well as fluidly as someone interrupts a person when i added the notation. after the fact it didn't matter who was interrupting him, but he was addressing the boys and Toby was the only concerned.
as for the characters, i tend to use them more to entertain myself with filler material in my head than they actually take part in the story. though there is an extended period of time before this happens, during which they're really familiarized not only to the audience but to some extent to Terry Seth and Baryx, who scope the place out a few times (and bother to order drinks also
i'm not sure if it'd be more or less work for myself if i could draw it all in panels. i still wrangle that writing vs drawing argument we've mentioned, and not gotten a clear-cut answer-- this is tedious but i feel i just do it better.
thanks for the concerns. i just take setting or style discretions lighter than errors. WHICH for all the views this had gotten and how many times i'd read it on my computer, FOR MONTHS, i still caught and had to go back and fix.
tonight.
--
ALL THE COOL KIDS ARE READING IT
Don't expect the best, you won't be disappointed when you take a bite and watch the worm crawl back inside.
That makes sense.
I love the
--
Life is all about timing
[url=[link]
[url=[link]
--
ALL THE COOL KIDS ARE READING IT
Don't expect the best, you won't be disappointed when you take a bite and watch the worm crawl back inside.
--
Life is all about timing
[url=[link]
[url=[link]
Woo, they finally figure out something is wrong there! I'm pretty sure Ka wouldn't die in the freezer there but damn...I'm wondering how shes going to get out of that. I really like how you describe the freezer, one big hellish darkness and the vegetables on the floor. The conversation after Ka got locked in amused me slightly with the beansprouts and facial twitches and all.
--
Help me...I broke apart my insides.
--
ALL THE COOL KIDS ARE READING IT
Don't expect the best, you won't be disappointed when you take a bite and watch the worm crawl back inside.
--
Help me...I broke apart my insides.
and if you've already asked me once, then i apologize and promise to remember.
--
ALL THE COOL KIDS ARE READING IT
Don't expect the best, you won't be disappointed when you take a bite and watch the worm crawl back inside.
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