so, i'm not drawing,
like at all.
not a bad thing, i'm not complaining-- or surprised-- i just have been occupied, and haven't felt the bug in a while. i think it's the first time i don't feel guilty about it.

friday before last, my nephew asked me to draw him left 4 dead stuff. this must be what doing commissions on DA feels like.

i get requests from him a couple times a month when he comes here, usually animals WHICH I LOVE DRAWING OH MY GOD but... sometimes it's video game/fandom stuff he picks up, which i purposefully avoid liking/drawing/wasting any time knowing about, so i hadda go look up the characters and whatnot and gotta start it before 5 am and yadda yadda. anyone who knows me knows i despise fanart, and only tolerate it to ride my own FMA coattails from 2006-7 to get traffic on my more recent work.
but faithfully, i will draw his request, and he'll probbaly love it, and at least i'll love doing it (when i'm done.) but obligations are part of what crushes my drive to create anything. whether they're from an innocent child who looks up to me as an artist/human being, or from myself because i have shit i need to finish. as soon as i get in the mood to draw, i remember i have stuff i don't want to draw in queue, and hide the pencils from myself and go drink or go for a walk.

...the redeeming part of this mess, which makes me seem like less of a terrible waste of life and talent (i hope) is i acknowledge that without the regular "friday-nite-lineart" dealies i would atrophy into nothing, and am... thankful, for them, and always finish them. that little 8-year-old is the only reason i can still call myself an artist in any light. i don't even write much-- and that DOES piss me off; all about time, and not having it/being exhausted when i do.

i chose my career wisely, and i don't envy anybody who works PROFESSIONALLY in the same arena of skill as me, art-wise. i can finally say that to myself. i'm not missing out on being a famous artist, i did not waste any time. i was very lucky to avoid a lifestyle that would have turned my hobby, my only fruitful escape from life, into an obligation. because it does that enough on its own and when i burn out i am grateful i can put the pen down for a year and not feel awful.

i hope everyone's well.
my health is in the shitter, but i'm working on that.

i feel like i've posted this before, but the difference here is i'm not like... negative? about it, i guess.

oh if the tone wasn't proof enough that freelancing thing didn't pan out, i can't even finish 2-layer mockups for a decent an "ehhh" portfolio that were a "good idea;" i could never finish serious work for clients for their money.