deviant ART

=sparkpenguin:iconsparkpenguin:

is Godzilla and you are Japan.  

  • Status: Official Beta Tester
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  • Deviant since Jan 28, 2003, 7:20 PM
  • Subscribed until Jan 22, 2009, 10:34 PM
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DB: The Wicked Ruled his World

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LOA: Kitty Litter
in Vector 1d 8h ago
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in Vector 1w 2d ago
radio waves
in Miscellaneous on 4/24/08
You Are the Last Dragon
in Conceptual on 4/23/08
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old Majors never die... they just stop updating.

Journal Entry: Tue May 6, 2008, 3:25 PM
well guys, it's been a long slow way down. i still came on DA every so often to check on your guys' stuff, but slowly the comments-- even conversational-- disappeared. for the first time in three years, i had an empty inbox for more than a day.

it sent me back to high school DA and coming home to three messages after i'd posted a work, if i was lucky. for the longest time that's actually how i had it. i was a nobody. and even just a few days ago through to yesterday, when i posted new work, the deluge that was present a few months ago was trimmed down to a handful of faithful watchers. after slashing my own devwatch, it's reassuring to know that there're a bunch of you who really didn't give a shit about the fanarts or the whorring or any of that. even after i dropped off the radar for three months and neglected art i'd promised.

so those who stayed (lolol murder by death) i have a... horrible story to tell you.

i think everyone who knows me knows that my life changed drastically in august when i lost my job, and lost touch with my bosses who who were like family to me for three years. i worked somewhere similar for a while, but quit on new year's because i didn't like being treated like a dog and cooking with spoiled meat. fortunately, they'd paid well and i was loaded enough to take a two-month vacation. and in the middle of that seemingly idyllic time, horrible things began to happen.

i won't go into details with my family life and its problems because frankly that's not your guys' business. but i WILL fervently recount the harrowing tale of Valentine's '08.

:lemon: SO WHAT HAPPENED:
i wasn't going to go out, having bought a bottle of vodka and some new art supplies. but a friend of mine was stranded and needed help, so i left around midnight. following events aside, i met someone amazing later that night at my friend's house. i'd met them before, but the circumstances were uh... dire... and fear for my life by virtue of this dude had sort of taken priority over any personal opinions of him, aside from the observation that he was angry and built like a prize fighter.

long story short we paired off and got drunk and had sex. ...and it was good. nevermind it'd been two years since the last time i had. afterward we actually got kinda chatty,and he told me things about myself i never thought i'd hear another person say. wonderful things. painful things. true things. things i'd lie about. he just seemed to know, and wouldn't tolerate me interrupting or making excuses for myself. i cried a couple times, while he talked. i'm always alone, the tough bitch, but i felt so small and safe in the arms of this strong, sexy, capable man. it was like every ideal i had put into someone i had invented for that purpose was suddenly real. and holy shit-- i'd made it with him!

he didn't want me to, but the sun was coming up so i had to leave. i also didn't want to be around when my friend woke up and found us. so i beat it outta there. i was giddy and tired and couldn't wait to sleep and see him again over the weekend.

a few days later i woke up with an itch. i couldn't pee to save the world. it was fireballs. and that's AFTER the ten minutes i had to try to just get ANYTHING out. setting the worst urinary symptoms i've ever experienced aside, i also had the tingles, and a sore.

to answer your question, i lost my fucking mind.

i blew up his phone. first he tried to calm me down, he was the same as before, just telling me it'd been a while for me and i was probably just irritated. he said a lot of rational, caring things. but i persisted, and he started getting cross with me. so i said the most hateful vehement things ever and he finally said them right back, and showed me his bad side again. he kept denying everything. called me a whore. told me i already had it and must've given it to him and that he'd kill me if that was true-- and i knew he could. this was not someone i wouldv'e ordinarily wanted in my life, to say the least.

but i didn't care. i just screamed and swore and spat. eventually he stopped answering. i broke down and fell into a horrible state for the next couple of days. finally one morning, i tearfully confessed to my mother what was going on. she asked about how it'd happened and i couldn't tell her. i couldn't describe the kind person i was so~ in love with for all of four days. i already felt like a whore for knowing myself what i'd gotten into. this was the real world, guys like that are dangerous; they sleep with dozens of women. they share hundreds of needles. and they're not fun to have mad at you.

i'm uninsured, see. so i didn't have a lot of options. i called the health department and got the times for the open clinic. i went, and sat in a room full of sad-faced dominican women and their babies and girls with their pimps and runaways and pill dealers and the like. there were a couple of poor bastards like me there, too. for some reason i'd been given a spanish-language sign-in sheet but fortunately i'm good with that and just filled it out.i was called up three disney movies later and turned in a HORRIFIC urine sample. then some snotty latin nurses took like eight vials of blood out of me while they chatted and i held my own vein tape. about an hour later, a sleepy-looking male nurse with lots of tattoos called me in to see the actual doctor.

"professionally objective" doesn't even describe her, she was very blunt and a little admonishing toward me even. and if there's any confusion, it's bad enough when a doctor who isn't wrist-deep in your panooch has an attitude. she finished up and left to take my samples away, and it was just me and the nurse. he was actually very nice. i started crying and he made me feel a little better. he still had to give me a shot of antibiotics in my left asscheek, but y'know a job's a job. he talked about the possibility of what else it could be, and let me tell you i was a step of ahead of him. if there were ever one time in my life i wish i had syphilis, it was that ten minutes. the doc came back and said as if she could read minds that it wasn't syphilis. i cried again, and she shook her head and smiled and shrugged and said something along the lines of "yeah they all hope it's syphilis don't they? you get a shot and go home and that's the end of it. hahah. it hardly ever is that easy though." fucking bitch! i'm having a meltdown and she's shooting the shit.

at the end of the day, i'd been treated-- not just tested, but treated for gonorrhea, HIV, chlamydia, and herpes. i was taking three pills a day for the next week and given a return date for the 19th of the next month. i began to hope that herpes was ALL... i had... and nothing else would pop up and surprise me when i got my test results. i stopped wearing makeup and going out with friends. i gained a lot of weight. i itched at my burning crotch even when i didn't have to pee. despite reassurance from my parents, who had started feverishly researching every disease and drug to treat it there was, i refused to sit on the couch or anything but this chair or my bed and i was afraid to shower. i stayed on the floor like a dog. i punished myself.

my symptoms finally receded, as they do with that condition, and i was also going broke, so i had to grab a job fast. fortunately that went without a hitch. i got into the grocery store, working in the dairy cooler and stocking shelves like a tool. i wear a nametag and a collared shirt.

my symptoms returned just in time for my birthday on St. Pats. i ate dinner with my family and still hadn't told my sister what was going on. i wouldn't tell anyone until i knew exactly how much i was dealing with and had started long-term medication after my results were returned. that was two days away. i just wanted to tell her then and get it over with.

the drive to the health department on the morning of the nineteenth was fucking brutal. i couldn't even hear music. i was stone. i sat in the waiting room and tired to draw. fortunately results dates weren't as crowded as open clinic, so it was soon. i was called into the office by an old cuban lady with lots of bangly jangly jewelry. she was very warm and grandmotherly though, these people must not've hated their jobs as much as the other shift.

she sat me down and fanned a bunch of papers out on the desk. and then she crossed her hands primly and stared at me for a moment. of course i was already the water works. she smiled and laughed and grabbed my hand and then she said, "jou are a all-clear baby." i almost didn't want to hear it at that point. i was so hardened and resolved and my fucking crotch hurt so bad. all clear?? ALL CLEAR?? no! help me! something is definitely wrong!

she just kept shaking her head, and then she showed me all of the test results. i made DAMN sure my name was on them. everything was negative. i asked how that was possible, and through her thick accent she told me happily that many things can cause eruptions like i'd had, even more severe sometimes. she said it was probably a soap allergy and asked if i shaved. i did. she mentioned also that it could've been a latex allergy, and asked if we'd used a condom. we did, well the first round we did. she said it could everything to do with even the last time a guy took a shower, or what cologne he's wearing, or if the sheets are clean, all of the BOGUS bubble-boy bullshit that crazy-ass germaphobes live in constant fear of, she said was probably what happened. i stood up to leave, and she hugged me and told me to be more careful. i grabbed my pedigrees and left in a daze.

i drove around for hours. my parents were ecstatic about my results as i was. everyone else i told was a little.... meh. they hadn't known. i hadn't let anyone else in for fear of misinformation and shame. no one else really cared. it was horrible. but nothing could change the fact that i was all right... above all else, i was okay. and i was armed with knowledge, insisting that a friend of mine who may have been misdiagnosed (without a blood test) go to the health department and get properly tested for free, and it would maybe improve her life to find out she's all right too. because just by looking at me, my doctor swore i had herpes. and i was bound by law to take the medication by her word. that's all it takes, really. she's a health department doctor, she could've told me i had fuckin smallpox and they could come down on me for endangering society.

i was too coward to call the guy and tell him the news. so i left a text message. i told him he was right all along, and that i was sorry for scaring and insulting him. i was just in a lot of pain. he called back because he'd forgotten who i was, and hung up right after. a week later he called back and apologized. we still talk once a week or so. but i like my distance from him now... and he think he'd rather have his from me... i believe because i'm a "crazy bitch."

so it was a self-wrought tragedy with a personal victory, like my suicide. but already it feels farther away and less meaningful than that. i'm still overweight, i still work a job i don't really like with no hope of a different one, and even though i know everything is all right i still neglect the things that make me happy like art. and as i opened this message, art kind of neglects me. the absence was a very bad PR move on my part. :P but overall, my life really isn't the same. it'll be a while before i'm completely over this i think. even working, i feel so low and worthless. and like i said, my family's been coming apart here and there in the midst of it all.

and even if nobody made it to the bottom of this, it had to be done, and posted. i'd been putting off writing it for so long, it felt like a chore. but it also i think puts the lid on this whole affair. sorry you guys were the last to know. i'm not leaving DA, but i'm not gonna be writing as much in these journs from now on. i don't like it being a huge priority and most people don't bother with them even when they aren't a novel.

end of story, i hope you're all a little less emo now, all right? i mean it's not like YOU got a fucking herpes-lesion infection on motherfucking valentines day. write a song about that.

__________________SHIT THAT DON'T CHANGE___________________


YOU WOULDN'T HIT A WHORE, WOULD YOU?





:fuzzydemon: NEW KIDZ IN TOWN! - the number of people and associations that have jumped on my bandwagon, hopefully looking for more than FMA garbage:
`taeliac
~JannaLee
*Omega-Warior
~dylanmt
=kat-najera
~MikeXsjado
__________________________________________________________________________________________

:iconafi-club: :iconsocial-syphilis: :iconhomunculii-united: :iconproyecto-loa: :iconanimevectorartists: :icontwilighttoxin: :iconzeah-x-tethebi:
116 Comments | Previous Journal Entries

Devious Information

  • Current Age: 22/17 MAR 1986
  • Current Residence: tampa
  • Interests: yew. <3
  • Favourite style or digital art: strict vector. keep it real, skanks.
  • Operating System: win xp @ 1280x1024
  • Favourite game: megaman III
  • Personal Quote: quote me after this drink.
  • Tools of the Trade: jascPSP8 bitches. fuck Photodirt and all their buttbuddies at Apple. p >.< q

Devious Comments

=sparkpenguin:iconsparkpenguin: 1 day 12 hours ago
i said that a while ago, about the DA subscription being a total load and that regular DA is like torture. it's true, but honestly, think of it this way: a kid who's fifteen and hasn't worked a day in their life can dump two hundred images onto an internet site for free-- that's memory that is being stored at the expense of people who have to put money into the website; staff or members alike. now, forgetting everything that's wrong with that in principle, by discouraging waste and excess and indulgent behavior in a demographic that is doomed by those things. wait... that's still principle...
my point is, cap galleries or pay up. i know you don't have a sub, but it's a little unethical to just go around or leave out people i know and like when i'm considering what's the best for the community, y'know? :/

everybody wants everything for free... it'd be nice, but the world isn't there yet.
if gas was free it'd be gone by now. in reverse, if DA put limitations on unsubscribed users, who get Devart for free, there'd be more and better Devart.

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ALL THE COOL KIDS ARE READING IT
~ryoshockwave:iconryoshockwave: 1 day 13 hours ago
You're right, accounts that are dead for a year or so could definitely go. And they need to make a club system like sheezyart has so that deviations don't get uploaded twice or more on multiple accounts. I mean, I made a club myself but that only showed me how much of a waste they really are. Clubs where art is "collected" and put together, but still belonging to the account it was originally uploaded in is what DA needs. It makes adding art to the club up to the owner of the art as well, which would just be all around more convenient, it would not take up any extra bandwidth, etc.

Anyway, I really hate how the popular thing is, too. I just see the same anime artists over and over, and now that hey changed things it seems like all I see now is porn along with those same anime artists.

Also, I think it's just stupid to have people pay for accounts in the first place. No other art site I've been on is like that. Although donating for no ads is always a good way to go.. Not only that but the stuff DA makes you pay for just seems like it should be free anyway.

--
Night Shot (fantasy/action manga)

You were in my dreams...
=sparkpenguin:iconsparkpenguin: 2 days 10 hours ago
hahah yeah well.. it's actually gotten crappier. it's overcrowded, loaded with dead, plz, and triplicate accounts, and the popular section is officially for porn and anime (when a totally filtered "photography" piece doesn't make it in there). not to mention there are two popular streams and only one for the new submission stream which used to be twelve slots long and have a cycle of about twenty minutes on a busy night.

i think that if you don't pay for a submission, DA should should cap the gallery total and enforce a monitor that will delete an account after 90 days without activity. i mean it's sad but nothing is free, and millions of accounts are costing money to keep going. the internet isn't a magical realm it relies on electricity. have you ever touched a server machine? you could fry an egg on some of those bitches! and since 70% of today's youth are an intellectual void, i really don't think the loss would be noticed much more than the convenience of constant, arbitrary entertainment people seem to be craving nowadays. it's like the more people there are in an environment the less meaning everything has.

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ALL THE COOL KIDS ARE READING IT
~ryoshockwave:iconryoshockwave: 2 days 19 hours ago
I know what you mean. Like, when I read those old comments it felt like I had just wrote them the other day. That was during my FMA obsession, of course. Time really seems to go by fast on a computer, you can be part of a website community for years and not much will change. Like, just look at how crappy DA still is after all these years! (just kidding... or am i?)

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Night Shot (fantasy/action manga)

You were in my dreams...
=sparkpenguin:iconsparkpenguin: 4 days 10 hours ago
i was thinking the same thing after Nari commented; my first DD was in 06 too so there are two once large, now lean groups of people who i'd met through that art-surge who are actually still my friends. two years dude, on a computer?? do you ever feel biased about time like that; realworld stuff feels sooo long ago, but everything you did online always feels like just last week. you don't realize how long you're exposed to people, it's kinda cool how the friendships work.

:heart: to you too. i'm glad you stuck around.

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ALL THE COOL KIDS ARE READING IT
~ryoshockwave:iconryoshockwave: 4 days 20 hours ago
Hey, just wanted to stop by and give you some love.

After reading the comment below, I wondered how long it had been since we met, so I went back to your old FMA art to find my first comments (back in oct 2006) it's been a while! (those pictures are still great, though)

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Night Shot (fantasy/action manga)

You were in my dreams...
=sparkpenguin:iconsparkpenguin: May 6, 2008, 3:31:01 PM
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

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ALL THE COOL KIDS ARE READING IT
~Nari-The-Death-God:iconNari-The-Death-God: May 6, 2008, 2:09:24 PM
:D

*whips out giant ring*
Tadaaa!



(crowd whispering*: she went to Jared... :O

--
The perfect mask for every occasion...
=sparkpenguin:iconsparkpenguin: May 6, 2008, 2:05:32 AM
holy shit dude it's only been a year?? that's so crazy, you feel like one of the old-skool kroo to me. happy DA anniverthary dear! :party:

so did you go to Jared? :excited:

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ALL THE COOL KIDS ARE READING IT
~Nari-The-Death-God:iconNari-The-Death-God: May 5, 2008, 3:04:15 PM
Hey Spark Guess what?

I realized that I've known you for a few days over a year as of today :D *insert ghey lisp* Ittth our friendthip anneverthary!

That makes you cool >: )

--
The perfect mask for every occasion...
=Nix0xiN:iconNix0xiN: Apr 25, 2008, 1:50:28 PM
Giving you luffs Spanky :3

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mmibear


Do you have HIV?
I'm positive.

mudkipzmudkipzmudkipzmudkipz
~schtolz:iconschtolz: Apr 25, 2008, 12:57:53 PM
:glomp:
Aww, I missed you!!!!!!!!

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www.schtolz.com
~jamierocket:iconjamierocket: Apr 18, 2008, 7:24:19 PM
[link]

--
"If you let the TV define what black is, you think ice and violence is all we think that matters. I guess that's what happens when rappers look up to thugs, and kids look up to rappers. " - Soul Position
*black-banryu:iconblack-banryu: Apr 10, 2008, 2:03:42 PM
I Love your icon.
its really coo, and its..... wait on second..... :puke:

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Through Vilgilance & Strength, We Create Peace.
~JasonKoKoTan:iconJasonKoKoTan: Apr 8, 2008, 10:18:12 PM
hey. thanks for comment my artwork ya. appreciate it.
=sparkpenguin:iconsparkpenguin: Apr 8, 2008, 10:10:25 PM
do you or... does she... know what that's even about? is she referring to footwear?

and YOU ARE IN MIDDLE NOW, SON.

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ALL THE COOL KIDS ARE READING IT
~misterzubair:iconmisterzubair: Apr 8, 2008, 10:46:39 AM
Yep, it's purple sock. Haha, I'm not getting in the middle of this!
~PostApocalypticJake:iconPostApocalypticJake: Apr 8, 2008, 6:12:49 AM Mood: Affection
Thanks for the favoritefication over here too, and all the kind words on all the various pics you left me kind words on. :D


:headbang:

--
"If you smile at me, I will understand, Because thats something everybody, everywhere does in the same language."

† Post Apocalyptic Jake †
=sparkpenguin:iconsparkpenguin: Apr 8, 2008, 12:23:26 AM
but... her username on DA is purple sock?

i don't know whether to laugh or puke. :P

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ALL THE COOL KIDS ARE READING IT
~misterzubair:iconmisterzubair: Apr 7, 2008, 9:07:14 PM
Haha, no, it's an user's name. She's wanted a character sheet for my goggles guy.
~Eezy-Sixth:iconEezy-Sixth: Apr 7, 2008, 8:36:50 PM
thank you for the add.
=)

--
Kung yan' ang gusto mo, So be it.

someone's happiness always came from someone else's sadness.
~misterzubair:iconmisterzubair: Apr 5, 2008, 2:02:06 PM
Hey man, long time! Sorry I haven't commented on your stuff in a while, that goggles dude pic is a character ref for purple sock, I didn't even put it up. I am SOOOOOOO busy, but I will come back and check all your stuff soon! And yes, no nose, because I was too lazy to draw a nose.
=sparkpenguin:iconsparkpenguin: Apr 2, 2008, 6:31:07 PM
it's just for a day, but it's a tired joke. :P

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ALL THE COOL KIDS ARE READING IT
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